Dear Enid: Question Regarding our Young Daughter and our Terminally Ill Dog

Dear Enid,

I’ve read all through your blog and links pages—so helpful. Our beloved 9-year-old Lab, Sophia has just been diagnosed with a lung tumor and given a six month prognosis—this after being a very healthy dog from a non-smoking family. We have a 5-year-old daughter, Jane who adores our dog. Right now, we are telling our daughter that Sophia doesn’t feel well and are leaving it at that. My husband and I are obviously very upset and trying to keep our daughter’s life as normal as possible. We have a home-service euthanasia vet all set up to come to our house when the time comes and have planned to have our daughter cared for at a our next door neighbor’s home during the procedure.

Our question is this: Is it better to involve a 5-year-old in the illness process (i.e., tell her Sophia is dying), or just keep it as normal as possible until Sophia dies and then help her through the grieving process? We don’t want to be dishonest—and don’t plan to. Jane knows Sophia isn’t feeling well, but it is such a heavy burden for a 5-year-old to bear, especially if Sophia is in a long decline.

Your thoughts on this subject are greatly appreciated.

Alice and Bob

Dear Alice and Bob,

I am so sorry to hear about Sophia’s grim diagnosis; my heart goes out to all of you. I admire the careful thought you are putting into keeping Jane informed and protected—an important balance. You are right, at 5 years old, Jane is capable of recognizing that Sophia is not feeling well; however, six months is too long for a 5-year-old to worry about losing her dog. It would be appropriate to continue acknowledging that Sophia doesn’t feel well when Jane brings it up. You can then suggest doing something to cheer Sophia up, like giving her a treat or belly rub.

When the time comes to schedule Sophia’s humane home euthanasia, gently tell Jane that Sophia’s life will soon be over and suggest Jane give Sophia one last hug and goodbye kiss.

Arranging for Jane to go to the neighbors during the euthanasia procedure will make it easier for you to be completely “with” Sophia during the euthanasia procedure.

Don’t try to hide your grief. You can talk about what an important part of your family Sophia has been and how much you all love her and will miss her.

You can invite Jane to dictate a story, draw a goodbye picture or choose a memento to be placed with Sophia’s body to “take with her” when she is buried or cremated.

This loss will lay the groundwork for future losses in Jane’s life. This is a good opportunity to share your spiritual beliefs. Some books I would like to recommend are: For Every Dog and Angel by Chris Davis and Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant. There are also numerous books about death/loss for young children that are available.

In the meantime, enjoy every moment together, take lots of family photos, give treats and enjoy special outings.

Warmly,
Enid

The “Dear Enid” blog post series is my new advice column. I invite you to write to me about your beloved pet. Include questions, concerns, fears, hopes, dreams—everything related to that magical human-animal bond you were blessed to experience. I will respond to support you as you navigate your life without your pet. I will do my best to share the wisdom I have gained as facilitator of the DoveLewis pet loss support program for the past 27 years.